What a Sensible Person Wants for Christmas

Advent calendars with shot-sized bottles of alcohol – just want an elf needs to get through the season (with various beauty products is also nice, but not the ones where you open up a day and it’s an eye shadow brush or a make-up remover pad, go big or go home)

Spa workers who do not suggest additional treatments in a I-know-best voice, “So you are having your eye-brows done, may I suggest we do your upper lip also?” No, you may not. “I see you have booked for the ½ hour facial, I really recommend the three hour anti-aging, anti-wrinkle, anti-old hag facial for your special condition.” Let me just shove this candy cane up your nose.

Words projected in the air over our heads: “I am traveling, no comments on my outfit” – “on my way to job interview, cheer me on” – “I am on my game, compliments welcome” – “am trying new look, what do you think?.” It works like uber, anyone can comment on an app but if someone make mean comments, they are blocked from ever posting. People who make positive comments get bonus points which leads to upgrades in airplane seats and extra biscotti at cafes.

The ability for people in the Middle East to say “No.” As in “No, I don’t know where that is,” instead of making up random directions so that you are more lost (but not near the person you asked so you can’t bother them for telling you the totally wrong information).

Managers who don’t complain about their workload to underlings who work longer hours for less pay.

Laryngitis for people who natter on about their house in France. [Darling, remember – when anyone tells you that they have a house in France the only proper answer is, “Oh so do I! Where’s yours?” When they tell you, pick another part of the country – if they are in Brittany, you are in Provence and then do the ‘oh pshaw’ hand motion and declare, “it’s only a tiny thing, 6 bedrooms, 2 guest houses and only 2 pools, we love it for relaxing, but of course out favorite place is the ski chalet” (and don’t mention you mean your niece’s Barbie chalet). People who treat social events as chances to spew deserve to get stepped on.]

Double laryngitis for people who natter on about how they grew up with a TV. Not knowing the characters on Friends, or who Hannah Montana is, or what ‘Winter is coming’ means or have no idea what Strictly Come Dancing is do not get karmic brownie points, express passes to heaven, a good complexion or anyone’s respect. You don’t have a TV. That’s the fate of a lot of people. Get over yourself.

Tickets to Italy, France, Greece or Norway.

Peace, goodwill and joy to all (especially to those who give large tips to people with drudge jobs). [and listen to the Queen’s Christmas speech or the elves of righteousness will take back all of your presents!]