What a Sensible Person Wants for Christmas.

Advent calendars with shot-sized bottles of alcohol – just what an elf needs to get through the season (the ones with various beauty products are also nice, but not the ones where you open up a day and it’s an eye shadow brush or a make-up remover pad, go big or go home)

Paint pellets guns to keep people at a distance, especially those with toxic political views.

Little kits with a few masks, disposable gloves and sanitizers to give to whoever might need it.

Laryngitis for people who natter on about anything extravagant. Darling, remember – when anyone tells you that they have a house in France the only proper answer is, “Oh so do I! Where’s yours?” When they tell you, pick another part of the country – if they are in Brittany, you are in Provence and then do the ‘oh pshaw’ hand motion and declare, “it’s only a tiny thing, 6 bedrooms, 2 guest houses and only 2 pools, we love it for relaxing, but of course our favorite place is the ski chalet in Switzerland.”

Managers who don’t complain about their workload to underlings who work longer hours for less pay.

Gift certificates from local small businesses to give to health care workers in January when there is no holiday cheer.

Donations to food banks in their name.

Mocha peppermint coffees from independent cafes.

Large pieces of coal to give to those who don’t vote.

Darling, this year, children and those who are isolated get presents – everyone else gets gifts given to OTHER people in their name. There’s a lot of hurt out there so get busy with your charitable donations and if you want to complain… let me just shove this candy cane up your nose.

(Please note: we all know that sensible people want ETIQUETTE books for Christmas, especially How to Behave or anything by Miss Piggy, Tosha Silver or Miss Manners, but this year we all need to concentrate on just getting by – pay rent for others, drop off food, forgive debts, give bonuses. If you have extra, you give and if you need, you ask. Next Christmas…vacations in New Zealand!)

Wishing peace, goodwill and joy to all (especially to those who give large tips to people with drudge jobs). [and listen to the Queen’s Christmas speech or the elves of righteousness will take back all of your presents!]