Full-metal Karen in the Hotel

As someone who has spent time in 4 different 5-star hotels recently, I would like to see the manager. I would like to have a hissy fit in the lobby and throw something (preferably one of the fake flower arrangements – is it THAT HARD to procure eco-grown flowers from a local source?)

Is it truly THAT DIFFICULT to train staff how to behave? I would more than willing to hold required sessions. And much more than willing to throttle those who deserve it. 

Arriving after three consecutive flights to find that the hotel is not serving any food – not so much as a wretched muffin. Nothing. And no warning on the website.

“Oh, you are order food with this app,” says the misbegotten troll at reception. I said, “Maybe you think I am from here, but I am not. I don’t know that app, don’t have that app on my phone, in fact, I don’t have a phone with a SIM card for this country as I will only be for a few days and I thought a 5-star hotel would have food.” The troll shrugged. As did the head-troll in guest relations. Staff which was definitely not trained in Switzerland or any other human country.

Then there was the 5-star hotel in a major metropolitan area with one of the world’s busiest airports with staff who had no idea how to get a Covid test. You know, the test required for any kind of air travel. That test. No clue.

Ohhh, then there was the hotel that was (how could I make this up?) WRAPPING SOME OF THE BUILDINGS to ‘smoke’ them for pest control. Smoking, in fact, the building next to where I was staying. Because… I don’t know why. Why would you pump dangerous chemicals into a building UPWIND from paying guests?

And there is the 5-star in the city where I live. I’m a member. Have been a member for years. Favorite memories. I told a visiting friend that in order to get the attention of the wait staff you have to stand up and wave your arms. She laughed and told me not to be ridiculous.

I do so hate to be scolded when I am only telling plain facts so I remained silent. And remained sitting. After ten minutes, she gave in, stood up and waved her arms to catch the attention of one of the SIX waiters standing at the hostess stand, where they always stand, ignoring guests until someone stands up and waves their arms. And she had to stand up again to get someone to clear our plates (an hour after we finished eating). Then our two different desserts arrived looking identical and her tea: clear, lukewarm water smelling of socks. Well if you are not going to listen to me when I tell you not to order tea (“don’t be silly, how hard can it be to make tea?”) then you better drink your tepid sock water without comment.

Here’s my motto – the only people who actually WORK in a five-star hotel are the cleaners. The rooms are always spotless, the hallways vacuumed and the woodwork polished, but the rest of the staff are utterly useless on you happen to catch them in a good mood after their 2 hour coffee break. TWICE I was given a room with a connecting door after asking for a ‘quiet room’ and let’s just draw a shade over the inept concierges.

For Halloween I am going as the most frightening, cruel, brutal and pitiless creature on Earth: hotel receptionist.