Example 1 – It’s deathly hot here and when I went into an ice-cream store, there was a tub of blue ice-cream without a label:
Moi: What is this?
Clerk: New flavor.
M: Yes, but what does it taste like?
C: [shrug]
M: Can you find out?
C: New flavor.
M: What is in it?
C and co-worker huddle: [collective shrug]
M: Ok, let’s ask him [pointing to man wearing a shirt with the store’s logo]
C: He doesn’t know.
Man with shirt: I don’t know.
M: Well, do you think it would be a good idea to find out? I mean, rather than you selling something that might taste like plywood or dead Smurfs?
C, co-worker and man with shirt: [general consternation and tapping phones… after a few moments] Salt.
M: Are you telling me that you are selling salt-flavored ice cream?
C: New flavor.
M: I refuse to process that information. Please figure out the flavor.
C, co-worker and man with shirt: [general consternation and tapping phones… after a few moments] Sea salt.
M: I will give you one more chance before causing general mayhem, civil disobedience, irreversible havoc and perhaps hurling your through a plate glass window, what is the flavor?
C: [hands me phone with screen-shot details of ice cream flavor]
Example 2 – The woman who cleans my house is going on vacation so she brought a friend to take over for 2 months. After some preliminary greetings:
Moi: Which day can you work?
Her: Any day, any time, as you like.
M: Monday?
H: No.
M: Tuesday?
H: No.
M: Ok, which day is good for you?
H: [slightly panicking] Any day, every day I am free for you.
M: Wednesday?
H: No.
M: Thursday?
H: Ok.
M: What time?
H: Any time, as you like.
M: Morning around 10am.
H: No.
M: Why don’t you tell me what time is good for you?
H: [hyperventilating] ANY TIME, ALL TIME I AM FREE.
M: 11am, noon, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm?
H: 2pm.
M: OK, you will come Thursday at 2pm?
H: No.
M: [losing the will to live] What day and time is good for you?
H: Sunday at 8:30 morning.
M: Ok.
H: Anytime I am free for you.
Example 3 – My home phone stops working so I call the help-line
Clerk: Go to the store.
Moi: We both know that if I go to the store they will tell me to call the help-line.
Clerk: Go to the store, they will help you.
Moi: We both know that if I go to the store they will tell me to call the help-line.
Silence.
Clerk: Ok, I will make a work request.
Next day at 10am I get a call from repair person: Now we are coming to check.
Moi: I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.
Repair person: No problem. We are coming now. Where is your house?
M: There is no one in my house. I will be home at 4pm.
RP: It’s ok, we will come now. Please tell me where your house.
M: There is no one in my house. I will be home at 4pm.
RP: No problem. We are coming now. Where is your house?
M: I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.
RP: You aren’t home now?
M: No. I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.
RP: Ok, we are coming at 4pm.
At 2pm I get a call.
RP: We are coming now. Where is your house?
M: I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.
RP: You are not at your home?
M: I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.
RP: Ok.
When the repair person is finally in my house, he and his co-worker agree the problem is the wiring and my account settings as it is impossible for me to call overseas from my home phone.
M: I have called overseas at least once a week for more than 4 years on this phone.
RP: [silence for a few moments] You need to call the help-line.
M: I did and they sent you.
RP: You need to go to the store.
M: They will tell me to call the help-line.
RP: It will work, you just need to do one thing.
M: [starting to cry] I need to talk to my mom.
RP: [takes out phone and makes a 30 second call]. Ok, it is now working.
M: [checks phone and hears dial-tone] Thank you.
RP: Yes, yes, we are happy to help you!
Darling, when you hear “you just need to do one thing” don’t curse, scream, hurl objects or sharpen knifes: cry. Fortitude and tears will get you ice-cream, a clean house and a working phone in the face of all obstacles.
Villain Origin Stories or The Making of a Karen, part 2
Creating a Happy Life Overseas: Warm Greetings and Interconnectedness
Creating a Happy Life Overseas: Beauty Routines and Losing Friends
Creating a Happy Life Overseas: No Impartial Bananas and Cordiality Abounding
How To Behave - Etiquette Central 