Villain Origin Stories or The Making of a Karen, part 1

Example 1 – It’s deathly hot here and when I went into an ice-cream store, there was a tub of blue ice-cream without a label:

Moi: What is this?

Clerk: New flavor.

M: Yes, but what does it taste like?

C: [shrug]

M: Can you find out?

C: New flavor.

M: What is in it?

C and co-worker huddle: [collective shrug]

M: Ok, let’s ask him [pointing to man wearing a shirt with the store’s logo]

C: He doesn’t know.

Man with shirt: I don’t know.

M: Well, do you think it would be a good idea to find out? I mean, rather than you selling something that might taste like plywood or dead Smurfs?

C, co-worker and man with shirt: [general consternation and tapping phones… after a few moments] Salt.

M: Are you telling me that you are selling salt-flavored ice cream?

C: New flavor.

M: I refuse to process that information. Please figure out the flavor.

C, co-worker and man with shirt: [general consternation and tapping phones… after a few moments] Sea salt.

M: I will give you one more chance before causing general mayhem, civil disobedience, irreversible havoc and perhaps hurling your through a plate glass window, what is the flavor?

C: [hands me phone with screen-shot details of ice cream flavor]

Example 2 – The woman who cleans my house is going on vacation so she brought a friend to take over for 2 months. After some preliminary greetings:

Moi: Which day can you work?

Her: Any day, any time, as you like.

M: Monday?

H: No.

M: Tuesday?

H: No.

M: Ok, which day is good for you?

H: [slightly panicking] Any day, every day I am free for you.

M: Wednesday?

H: No.

M: Thursday?

H: Ok.

M: What time?

H: Any time, as you like.

M: Morning around 10am.

H:  No.

M: Why don’t you tell me what time is good for you?

H:  [hyperventilating] ANY TIME, ALL TIME I AM FREE.

M: 11am, noon, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm?

H: 2pm.

M: OK, you will come Thursday at 2pm?

H: No.

M: [losing the will to live] What day and time is good for you?

H: Sunday at 8:30 morning.

M: Ok.

H: Anytime I am free for you.

Example 3 – My home phone stops working so I call the help-line

Clerk: Go to the store.

Moi: We both know that if I go to the store they will tell me to call the help-line.

Clerk: Go to the store, they will help you.

Moi: We both know that if I go to the store they will tell me to call the help-line.

Silence.

Clerk: Ok, I will make a work request.

Next day at 10am I get a call from repair person: Now we are coming to check.

Moi: I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.

Repair person: No problem. We are coming now. Where is your house?

M: There is no one in my house. I will be home at 4pm.

RP: It’s ok, we will come now. Please tell me where your house.

M: There is no one in my house. I will be home at 4pm.

RP: No problem. We are coming now. Where is your house?

M: I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.

RP: You aren’t home now?

M: No. I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.

RP: Ok, we are coming at 4pm.

At 2pm I get a call.

RP: We are coming now. Where is your house?

M: I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.

RP: You are not at your home?

M: I am at work. I will be home at 4pm.

RP: Ok.

When the repair person is finally in my house, he and his co-worker agree the problem is the wiring and my account settings as it is impossible for me to call overseas from my home phone.

M: I have called overseas at least once a week for more than 4 years on this phone.

RP: [silence for a few moments] You need to call the help-line.

M: I did and they sent you.

RP: You need to go to the store.

M: They will tell me to call the help-line.

RP: It will work, you just need to do one thing.

M: [starting to cry] I need to talk to my mom.

RP: [takes out phone and makes a 30 second call]. Ok, it is now working.

M: [checks phone and hears dial-tone] Thank you.

RP: Yes, yes, we are happy to help you!

Darling, when you hear “you just need to do one thing” don’t curse, scream, hurl objects or sharpen knifes: cry. Fortitude and tears will get you ice-cream, a clean house and a working phone in the face of all obstacles.