Your Charming Guide to Flying in Business Class

American/ UK airline Middle Eastern airline
when are you greeted after the plane takes off the millisecond you sit down
your seat will not be cleaned and not move in any direction fold flat (or you can just lift the footrest if you prefer)
your seat area will have used tissues from the previous passenger a bottle of water, adjustable lights, plenty of space to store your things
will someone help you put heavy luggage in the overhead bin don’t be ridiculous, the stewards and stewardess are busy eating the fun snacks of course, so glad you asked this as your 19 year old/ 4 foot tall / 62 pound steward has been waiting his entire life to lift your luggage, please oh please, he will beg you, please allow me the honor of hoisting your luggage
what are you offered to drink first water, soda, canned juice or bad wine artisanal water, fresh juice, cappuccinos, award-winning wine made from grapes hand-picked by vestigial virgins at dawn on the day after the autumn solstice, Proust’s favorite champagne
snacks lots of nice things on the snack menu but they were all eaten by waitstaff during take-off, leaving you with the choice of horseradish-flavored kale or banana-flavored chickpeas artisanal popcorn, elf-made cookies, French chocolates, Scottish shortbread, English gingersnaps and Italian biscotti
treats you are allowed to continue breathing gift bags from renowned European perfume/ fashion houses
entertainment if you are old enough to fly business class, you are old enough to entertain yourself a 24-inch screen, an I-pad, a remote control and 387,526 movies-on-demand
meals see ‘snacks’ a large selection of delicious appetizers, salads, meals, cheese plates, desserts which you can have whenever you want
bathrooms exist are spotlessly clean and stocked with toothbrush/ toothpaste kits, refreshing facial sprays and lotions from expensive, cruelty-free, vegan beauty companies
stewards/ stewardess remind you of mythical creatures because you seldom see them they are preternaturally smiley and love to flit about asking you if they can fulfill any wishes