(illustration by Amber Share)
Darling, I am jetting off soon but I could I leave you without the most helpful advice? Mais non! So here are some useful tips and a reminder that… airlines are awful. Truly awful. Irredeemably awful.
So you must be ready because I will not have you yelling at counter agents or telephone assistants. Yes, yes – they deserve it. Yes, yes – your vacation plans are in tatters but you will never get satisfaction, no, not even with pistols at dawn. Or drawing & quartering the CEO, no matter how much the CEO, CFO, COO and the CIO deserve it.
Deep breath. It is incumbent on you, Darling – it’s on YOU to get through this without screaming. No hissy fits in the airport. Bring a book you want to read or some of those puzzle books or a coloring book and markers. Bring a thermos of liquid (not pure vodka, put a Limoncello/ sparking water combination is perfect to take the edge off that 3 hours wait to rebook your cancelled flight). Bring snacks. And comfy shoes and something to use as a blanket as you will be sleeping at the airport, perhaps for two nights. Get a good table at the aiport cafe and prepare to be there for a week.
Spend a little extra and get hotel reservations you can cancel. If there is something you must be present for – drive yourself or take a bus. Or train. See if you can hire a mule. Plan vacations in cold countries where you can simply ski to where you need to be. Or rent a dog sled team. Visit coastal cities by leasing a sailboat with crew.
The chances that you can make a plane reservation, go to airport and find the plane is ready on time and will take off on time is about 1%. So buy some of those stress-reduction patches and lavender oil inhalers and crystal jewelry to cleanse pulse points and get those chakras aligned. It is going to be ugly maelstrom of unhappy, thwarted people, over-burdened airline personal and burnt-out airport workers. Do not even dare to dream of checking in a suitcase unless you are returning home and it doesn’t matter if your clothes arrive or not.
One dear, wise friend took a 3-plane, 12 hour trip wearing the bridesmaid dress for the wedding she was attending. Perfect! Everyone stood aside in awe of the hideous confection (it was GLOSSY TEAL! WITH CHIFFON! AND TIERS!) so when she said, “I have to be on this flight to make it to my sister’s wedding,” gate agents let it be so.
And if you are traveling in the Middle East, remember that NO ONE you speak to has the authority to change anything. You will NEVER be able to speak to someone in power. The people who answer the phone and staff the re-booking desks are minions who simply forward requests to the ‘operations people’ who actually decide what your fate shall be. So try to find someone in the gate area who will rebook you – don’t walk all the way to the main area of the airport to the ‘customer assistance’ counter.
Going to ‘customer assistance’ is like trekking to Shangra-la. I once stood first in line at CA in one not-to-be-named airport and the staff managed to help… no one. None of the five people at the counter talking to five different agents got their problem resolved during that hour. It was like an Olympics of how-not-to-run-an-airline.
Bonne chance! Bon courage! (and eat bon-bons!)
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